Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The hidden things

I hate when I forget things. Something triggered my need to spout out about it but by the time I got to it, after getting sidetracked getting online and watching "Oprah". I'll remember eventually I hope. Damn! All this stress.

Oh, well. It was some minor hehe interesting type observation type thing. This happens a lot. I used to carry a recording thing with me for awhile. Now it just hangs out in my car. I actually haven't used it lately. The cassettes I have filled up over the years are just somewhere and hopefully not deteriorated yet. I really need to get those transcribed. Especially the road trip ones from years ago.

Hidden things in my mind, hidden things around the house, hidden things from the past caught on tape and the hidden thing of those that run the world. Especially the corporate oligarchy that oversees this nation...but that's a rant for a different day.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Combining Households: A Hairaising Adventure

So I've been moving into my boyfriend's place. The original plan was to get a new place together which would of been still stressful but in a different way for the most part. Well he talked me into moving into his place. It's tough because I still feel like I'm invading his space and I think he feels that way as well. He has his daughters over for the long weekend. It's just making the stress worse. On top of it all he is stressed because he may be loosing his job and even if he wasn't he has to quit soon because they are reducing his pay and treating him like shit. So he is also trying to start his own business and look for another job. I'm laid off and all that other shit.

So tonight the shit hits the fan. On top of all these stressers I don't take my medicine today until late, yesterday I didn't have it at all and the day before I had half the dose...actually a quarter of the new dose. Then I decide to have a beer. Then he decides to be an ass. I take my meds and hole myself away until the beer wears off. Once this happens I decide we should talk but I wait a bit to make sure I'm more calm...then he comes in the room so I pause my show. We talk but he is just being more of an ass. So I ask who is sleeping on the couch tonight and storm out semi quietly so I can get some space to calm down. For the sake of his kids I did not tear into him like I wanted to.

I've cried twice tonight and one time I was not intoxicated. That is a big deal for me...let me correct that...a huge deal. The crying not the not being intoxicated. Actually I hardly ever drink these days. I'm sad, confused, pissed off, worried and generally just looking back at my life trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. Is this pattern saying something about me or about the men I choose. Which I guess is saying something about me, too. Possibly a bit of both. I would like to think that I learn from my mistakes. But I guess I'm not. I move in with men way too soon. There is always a reason and it is always financial. Tommy was the only exception of moving in together as a disaster...except the second time around. Yet the first time we did it was ok. It was a bit rough at first but after we got past that and figured things out we did all right. I knew Tommy since High School. He is pretty much "What you see is what you get." I loved that about him. There was things I didn't like about him and a few minor surprises but there wasn't this big change from dating Tommy to living together Tommy.

On the other hand others have. Kyle started to show his truer colours about 2 months ago. Some things before that and some after. Also I think I started to put 2 and 2 together better. I didn't have all the pieces and I still don't. I've had these warning bells for awhile now. I haven't known if it was for a good reason or me getting paranoid. I still don't. We are both really stressed.


The first time I remember hearing the word was the Chili Pepper's song. I immediately understood it in so many different ways. In another lifetime I lived in SoCal....San Diego not LA but it still instilled a certain aspects to my personality and way of thinking. There are similarities between the two but mostly SD is a friendlier, more laid back and less pretentious version of LA. So basically all the good without most of the bad. It is a different world out there. Some of it leaks out into the rest of the country and even the world because of Hollywood but it takes a decade for things to even be somewhat remotely like it is out there ethos wise. Actually more. It's like living in the stone ages out here sometimes. I miss being out there a lot. I hardly know anyone there any more and would be abandoning just about everything and one by leaving to go there. I know I could make new friends. Hell I got a whole bunch to start from with the SD Roller Dolls. Yet I'm sick of making new friends. I can barely keep up with the ones I already have. Actually I do a pretty shit job of that but I'm getting better.

This whole Internet thing is a love-hate thing. It helps to stay connected but I feel can potentially eat up so much of my time. In a good way it is teaching me to budget better. It is enabling me to write express. Hopefully it will soon help me start my business so I don't have to "9-5" it any more.

So I just started watching Californication, the Showtime show. I happened upon once several months back and it seemed interesting so I stuck it on a mental list of shows to potentially check out. Then I was tired and needed something to help keep me awake while I put stuff away from the cooler I packed of refrigerator items (I'm moving...woohooo!) and it was on the new to instant watch on Netflix. Note to all you TV execs who so faithfully follow my blog...getting your shit on instant watch helps get people into the show...we might not want to wait to see the next season online and watch it live. Anyway the aside over now... The show is actually really good. It is irreverent, serious and heartfelt. So much like me :) It is about a New York writer living in LAla land. He both enjoys and disdains the place. I never really thought David Duchovny was all that hot but I do really dig the character. I'd like to have some beers with him. Possibly fuck him. The thing though is he is blogging and it made me think about my blogging. He also is a writer and it reminds me to write. I just started watching the show last night and I've already started writing a book (something that has taken almost 9 months to get back to) and got back to this silly thing as well.