poetry

Poetry is so varied and interesting. It can be seen as pretentious by some and it has that potential. Yet the people involved run the gamut of human emotions and personalities.

I've struggled with my own. I think that my poetry is one aspect of my writing career that I have maintained the most. I really do need to write more. I probably should go through my journals to pick out pieces to clean up. I should also write more as well as learn to perform it as well.

Poetry will probably never make me money or at least not much. Yet it is so good to express like that. I wish poetry was appreciated better. I wish good literature was better appreciated.

The dumbing down of America sucks for so many reasons.........

Love and Loss

I envy those who are lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of their lives with their first great love. Not just that but have a good relationship with them as well. It does not even have to be the first but the second or third...shit any.

I once read that people only have three great loves in their lifetime. I thought about it and realized I already had mine. It brought me great distress. I still have a bit of anxiety about it. Am I forever doomed?

My analytical nature has been a stumbling block. Although one wonders if it has preserved me for something better. A relationship that blends that intense devotion, with steadfast love, common interests and goals, and mutual respect is of the highest sort. Why is it so rare? I can not but help to blame our culture for its lack of commonality and need for instant gratification.

A Good Day...

A little klutziness in the beginning and the end but overall a great day.

Had breakfast with my family. The crepes were kinda sucky though.

Went home and caught up with Dexter, which is awesome this season. Then made snowmen with my niece. She had a bit of a tantrum but I showed Mom how to handle it.

I took a nap.

When I woke up we cracked open the geodes and split the booty.

We went to get roller skates or blades. Finally talked her out of roller blades after her trying them on. Then we went rollerskating in the park. I also got her to wear knee pads so she could fall better and learn faster.

After that we played on the playground. I forgot the pure joy of swinging. It was fun climbing everything too but it was swinging that set me free. I was transported back to childhood. I wanted to swing for a long time yet my grownup interrupted. It was getting late and we needed to get home and go to bed.

I watched Criminal Minds while working on Christmas list and shopping on Thinkgeek.com. Also I started to try to teach myself binary while watching Mythbusters. Then a monster making show came on. This specific one was trying to figure out what a scientific dragon would look and be like. They looked at various animals and insects, current and extinct. While watching I broke open two pomegranates. I ate some and drank some raspberry beer while watching Young Frankenstein. Still watching and doing various things online.

Simple pleasures. Event filled. General sense of happiness and overall well being.

Now I have the choice: To watch Star Trek Nemesis or not. Do need sleep but what a great ending to my night that would be :)

Literary Diatribe into a Daydream

I really want to do something new with the English language and literature like my heroes. There is thousands of writers out there...many good ones. How does one stand out? The best known ones these days are generally sub-par for the masses. So many innovators and wanna be ones make it such a daunting task to stick out and be noticed. All artists have to have at least some manner of ego to accomplish great things. Generally it is a very big ego and not always tempered with humility. Yes....ego and humility can coexist.

I'm also starting to have book and short story ideas again. I'll have basic ideas but not anything I think I can flesh out sooner than later. I don't want to be definable which they won't let me but If I can have at least 3 labels applied to my book then that is undefinable to me. Science fiction and chick lit are where my most of my ideas fall into. I even have a few children's books in my head.

I need to make the time for writing. I've finally found what I want to do in life (well part of it...the part I'd most likely make some half decent money at) and now I don't have the resources that I used to have. It will be awhile before I have anything I would even try to have published. I think I will focus on essays and short stories and in about a year I will have enough to find an agent and get that whole enchilada in the oven.

Who knows if I'll get something new going but my urge to write is so huge I can't deny it. I also want to make stuff and have a house and a garden...maybe a small farm: a horse, chickens, a peacock and lots of cats and dogs at the very least. I wouldn't be averse to sheep, alpacas, or tons of horses. A girl can dream.........

Parting is such sweet sorrow

That is if you ever really part. I guess I'm just delaying. The inevitable that is. I wish it wasn't so but it is. My boyfriend may be cheating on me. Strangely I wouldn't care if he hadn't made us be exclusive. Not that I was against being exclusive. I'm not sure of my preference and I've had open relationships.

Also I think he may be a pathological liar. At least some type of liar. That is harder to prove especially when your mind hasn't been at the top of its game.

I just can't move right now and we live together. Also I'm not quite sure of either of the above. I don't have definitive proof. We have fun together and in general I enjoy spending time with him. I'm going to try this a bit more. My mind is a bit clearer these days. If I still think I'm seeing what I"m seeing in a few months then I'll leave.

Actually I have a bit of a plan for being way more ready to move. I haven't been organized since my fire so that is number one. Also we don't have much space in our combined households and I've already said to him that I was going to cull some of my stuff. Especially the decorative stuff. That will be in totes. I can take some of this to my parent's place. Some stuff I was planning on not packing up because I wanted to use it to start my business. I'll pack some of it up because I can only do so much in the next few months. Despite my hope that the situation will improve or that I read it wrong in the first place I'm a realist. If I'm wrong I can always get it out again. I'm not exactly sure where it is going to go anyway. I was hoping to store some of it in the basement and if it is organized and labeled I can have easier access. With our amount of room it just isn't going to be able to be as visual as I would like it to be. Wow that was a lot of "to be"s.

I will focus on Christmas. Then I will work on my business and start to make a little money so I have something to fall back on. The whole time I can organize and repack stuff. Meanwhile my boyfriend and I can do our song and dance. At least I have goals....

Humpty Dumpty....

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again. I feel like that.

If pottery breaks you just piece it together if you can find all the pieces. It will never look the same but it will be whole. It also will not be as stable or strong as it once was. More complex things like automobiles, computers, and living things...especially complex ones like humans need more attention. You may make things worse or not get to the source of why they are broken unless you do a full examination and also look backwards to see why they are broken. I'm tired of all these panaceas that modern medicine and psychiatry is clogged with.

I'm reading all this psych stuff. I studied it too. I understand the different theories. Today they tend to blend them together. I think that is the best approach. Yet not all of them do this. I have to find one that can or multiple ones. I got the techniques in the books. I just need someone to help me stay on track with them and to maybe tailor them for me. I also need someone to help figure out the reasons for the way I am this now. I just need a rough sketch. There is no way I will be able to move on with my life without knowing "Why?" It is just how I am. That was one of my biggest impediments with math...I kept asking too many questions. Maybe that is the answer to the question. Irony is a dish best served cold.

Revelations

I have/had given up on myself. I've disappointed everyone including myself. I don't know if I can go on. Yet if I just wallow and do not live I will only continue to disappoint. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no harm in trying but I'm crippled by my fear of failure. I feel alone in this place I'm in. No one seems to understand. Both my therapist and my boyfriend said if I really want to I would. They both pissed me off but I still wonder if there isn't some truth to it. Yet if you haven't been here then you can never truly know what its like.

I'm completely destroyed by my guilt. It has eaten me alive. I had already realized this and wrote and talked a little about it the day before but last night when I broke down and cried it to my boyfriend. Lots of extra stuff came out and somehow I realized it more so. My understanding was so fast and intense that I had a major headache for like 10 minutes...until I calmed down. It hurt really bad. I don't know if was the emotional intensity, the knowledge or both.