I have/had given up on myself. I've disappointed everyone including myself. I don't know if I can go on. Yet if I just wallow and do not live I will only continue to disappoint. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no harm in trying but I'm crippled by my fear of failure. I feel alone in this place I'm in. No one seems to understand. Both my therapist and my boyfriend said if I really want to I would. They both pissed me off but I still wonder if there isn't some truth to it. Yet if you haven't been here then you can never truly know what its like.
I'm completely destroyed by my guilt. It has eaten me alive. I had already realized this and wrote and talked a little about it the day before but last night when I broke down and cried it to my boyfriend. Lots of extra stuff came out and somehow I realized it more so. My understanding was so fast and intense that I had a major headache for like 10 minutes...until I calmed down. It hurt really bad. I don't know if was the emotional intensity, the knowledge or both.