Friday, February 24, 2012

Fear and Self Loathing in a Relationship

"It is not hard to live through a day if you can live through a moment."  -- Andre Dubus

What happens when it seems like you can't live through that moment? When your world is crashing down all around you. Most of us keep going but a few give up or check out. Although I've had my times of checking our, I'm very skilled at getting through those moments. Sometimes I fight my way to a better place and other times I just ride the wave. Yet there are the times I get so confused I get mentally dizzy from all the spinning and swirling. There are even times when I do not know why I'm dizzy and my world seems to be falling apart. I can't figure whether I should fight or ride it out. That is to say whether I have cause to feel sad and mad and I should do something about it or I have no or very little reason to be feeling that way and I just need to cry it out, eat some icecream and go to bed early.

Tonight is one of those times I can't make head nor tail of what is going on in my troubled mind.  I've found that part of healing myself is finding the wounds and tending to them.  Yet my mind seems to be so overrun with these feelings of abandonment and failure that I can't see the forest for the trees. (I'm really clichey tonight...oh well). Do I have real cause? I know that my feelings are rooted in the behavior and words of my boyfriend and my own failures these past two months and especially this past week. I can sense that there is something profound but is there also something I need to talk over with my man or is this something I need to work out myself? For a moment all my thoughts and feelings weighed down on me so much that I felt like giving up, yet only for a moment. I prefer my low points to be brief. I've had them last for days but lately they've been not as deep and not as long. I count all the blessings I can. Yet I stray...

I feel like if I talk with him and share my concerns that we might clear at least some of the fog from my mind. Isn't that one of the the problems I'm having with him, not communicating enough. But I hesitate. At first because my mind is too clouded and then because he seems troubled. I don't want to heap my issues on top of his. So at least I know one thing, that the distance that keeps growing between us is eating at me and probably us as well. Relationships are hard. Mine is entangled with my mentally f'd upness and him being an involved father of 3, working 40+ hours a week and taking night classes. We are both frustrated with our lives and with each other but if we can make it through this then we can make it through just about anything.

Two years ago I decided to leave my then boyfriend and move far away so I could get out on my own and facilitate my healing. I met my current boyfriend and it changed my plans considerably. He made everything go upside down in good and bad ways. Sometimes I feel like this is bad timing in my life but as a believer that things happen for a reason I have faith that being with him is the life lesson I need right now. Don't get me wrong if the relationship was not good I'd leave and I have before. I'm not one of those girls that throws their whole life and identity into another person. It's just that I can tell that there is something special about what I have with my current boyfriend. I think there is a very good chance that he is my life mate. It's been awhile since I had that feeling and this time it's even more grounded in my life experiences than the times before. Thanks for helping me untangle my mind a bit, my imaginary readers. My man doesn't need to share my burden tonight but I'll have that talk with him later, right now I just need to get some sleep.