Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Tonight I released something indescribable. It was a general heaviness about me. This negative energy. It has been pressing in around me for awhile now. Tomorrow I will see if this carries through to the future. But at least tonight I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time. I also released a few other minor things that were connected to this. I'm doing surgery for the soul.

Usually release for me involves a lot of crying. It may come but right now I feel this burden off of me. I'm releasing things one by one. Recognizing my lack of control and relinquish any silly thoughts that I can.

I can control me. When I try to control everything else I lose control of myself. It's me or Universe. Not that I have that control but it is the effort that matters. When I'm responsible for myself I contribute toward a better universe. I can only do my part. I can only be.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Doesn't Always Have to be Bad News

So I've been pretty much posting on my bad day or days I'm very introspective. My introspection tends to be mostly negative. I was reading about being a Taurus (which I am) and it talked about us being pessimism as one of our potential bad traits. My dad is pessimistic and a Taurus, too. I actually used to be more of an optimist. I've slowly become more skeptical of life and people. I have been working on undoing some of that the last few years to varying success rates.

Stress is one of the main causes of the number one killing diseases. It also makes the world more miserable not only for yourself but for others. Life is way too short to waste it being miserable, distrustful, negative, pessimistic, and generally stressed out.

The last two days haven't been perfect but they are much better. My man is home from being away all week for work. We had some of the best sex ever last night. I guess not only the heart grows fonder but the sex is all pent up and bursts forth with insanity. I've been getting things done around the house and online. I am about to finish up stuff for work...a little late but at least it will be done. It's easier to be happy when things are at least progressing positively. I did almost have a panic attack Thursday night but I talked myself down and worked through it. I hope that both doctors I picked out are helpful and I don't have to look for other ones. I don't need them to see eye to eye (well maybe sort of with the psychiatrist) but I do need them to respect my opinions, be willing to listen and work with me.

Here's to a more positive future! May everyday I learn to be more positive while still able to keep an eye out for scoundrels. May I learn to trust more in my relationships. And may patience be my new best friend!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Agoraphobia is not your friend

Trying to leave the house when severe agoraphobia sets in is the strangest thing. Some days I can get out and other days I'm stuck. The internet doesn't help. I guess I would just lie there or read a book or watch tv. I probably would of gotten out today if I had not mixed up the times for my two massages. The one today was at noon and my one next Friday is at 2:30pm. I realized this at 1:45pm... just a little too late. I gave up on getting ready....well for awhile. I rfeally did try to leave over and over...even to the point of just getting some clothes on and ditching the shower. So today is expensive... I have to pay for a massage that I missed and really needed and also I have to pay for my ticket and my consumers for the ballgame we missed tonight. Not to mention everyday this happens I don't work and get a day closer to loosing my job.

My twitching has returned as well.

Today has been pretty shitty.

These are the times....

that we need to be what we can be. I'm struggling with this. The idea that we have the freedom to do what we want to or what fulfills us. If everyone did this who would be doing the crap jobs. Yet on the other hand why not strive for more.
Right now I'm not doing something horrible and that I's just that I really want to be doing something else. I know what it is finally and I don't have the time while working this job nor the money if I quit. It is more frustration. Ever since I figured this out I've been steadily getting worse physically. Am I internalizing my frustration or is this just a coincidence. I'm steadily not believing in coincidences. Well I used to not believe in them but I attributed them to God. Now I'm not sure what or who but I guess I've never completely let go of something/someone other than me and my fellow humans. Energy, a being, a group of beings, a collective consciousness....????? Whatever it is I'm not sure but even if it is just our collective consciousnesses out there pushing all of us toward our destinies I sense something.
So I guess I can say that I see this all as a sign. I could also say that by internalizing my frustration I've caused the opportunity to reduce my hours at work so I can do what I need to do. Problems the past month or two is that the illness has caused me to get even less done and the second is that the hours are only temporarily reduced. The future good is that I may have realized I can get by, at least temporarily, on less hours. I also may see a more permanent reduction in hours. Which will one give me more time and two give me the impetus to get into gear and make money in more fulfilling ways. So maybe my subconscious just knows better than my conscious mind and is creating what I couldn't consciously make happen....or the universe is leading me to a better place ...or both.