Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Strange things have been happening. My life is getting more and more surreal. I read too much fiction and possibly have too much of an active imagination. Reality, dimensions, fictional characters, fire, water, 42, rainbows...the images and thoughts are rapidly floating past. All I want is an out or a shift or something and then somehow this blog gets flagged for spam. REALLY?!?
Who the hell would do that? I'm just trying to vent my private frustrations of my own personal hell on a somewhat public forum. Go F#*K yourself!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

These Dreams are Made of Smoke and Mirrors.

Dreams are a poison that lulls and tenderizes you for the sharp knife that is reality. Too often I live in dreams and do not live my real life. The life of now. I feel stuck in a circle of positivity, chaos, and disappointment. I see ways out but the hardest one seems the path I must take. I don't like the hard path. I can travel on it for only so long. That time period always varies for me. I feel like I'm making excuses and babying myself. I think that somehow if I stick my head in the sand it will be all ok when I pop back out. The bogeyman, the task, the reality won't be there no more. Somehow my dreams will eventually become reality.

I thought of suicide for the first time in a long time tonight. I couldn't do it but it looked so tempting. I know it is the cowardly way out. I'm crying as I type this. I have a hard time crying. I don't like to let myself cry...it is weakness. I'm not vulnerable. I'm strong with a mushy interior. But no one needs to know I'm a crustacean.

I started to cry because of a movie. It was sad. It also made me realize something. That made me sad. It was a strange cascade of emotions and information.

An Aussie woman (a geologist) is in charge of showing around the Japanese son of the owner of a mining company. Various things happen but they fall for each other. He is married. I know it will not work out in the end. What does happen throws me for a loop: he dies an accidental death. She is faced with getting him back and then his wife. Comedy of errors, turned romance, turned tragedy. It wasn't the greatest piece of cinema but it made me think of my own Asian tryst.

A Korean guy here to study a summer term. We had a great little summer thing. I knew that he was going back. He had even mentioned something about an arranged marriage with a girl when he was young. I somehow knew that I was only a play toy so I kept the cards close to the chest. I guarded my heart. The crazy thing is that he said he loved me. I felt he was just saying it because he thought he should. I would say it back but I never really allowed myself to believe it. I knew that when he went back we would be over. Yet he said he might try to move to the US and then he invited me to Korea. So we started making plans. I didn't want to fly all that way just to be there for 5 days. I told him that I wanted to come for 8-10 days and have a pit stop in Japan. He broke up with me. I knew that he planned on us going to some resort when I was there. I was going to be hid from his family. I don't know if he was already married or if the arranged marriage was still in process (he never did say but then again I never asked...I didn't want to know even though I did). So I told him that I knew he didn't mean that he loved me when he said it and that I didn't mean it either. I told him I wasn't sure exactly why he wanted to hide me but I knew he had/was. He never wrote me back. I think I even apologized a few months later but he never wrote back. I had lost him forever. I thought I was all over that. Then tonight the movie reminds me of all that. Then I realize: Shit! I did love him. That is why I was protective. That is why I wished for him to give more than I knew he could give.

After him I got into a safe relationship. With a guy I had been friends with since High School. We had known each other for about a decade and he was a step down in the looks department. Not that he was ugly just not high caliber. I set the terms of the relationship and it survived and even somehow flourished. It provided the stability I needed for healing at that time. I had a hard time right before him. The Korean was only the last of a long string of soul crushing failures. I'm no longer with the HS pal but we managed to come out still friends in the end despite some hard times. We aren't as close as we were during our relationship but we are closer than before. I miss him being my best friend. And yeah, that hurts at times too.

I've loved and lost so much in my life. I've survived some hard times. Yet I know that others before me , around me, and after me will go through so much more. I know I can get through because I have before. I'm just sick of the struggle. I want life to give me a bit of a break. I want lots of things that I may or may not be able to provide for myself but I can't stop trying. To stop would only be a living death. Not to live while one is breathing is a meager existence. Giving up because my life isn't just being handed to me on a platter is ridiculous! I need to reel in the inner child a bit. She is causing me to miss out on the life I need to be living right now. I gotta be my own parent.

The real work of love and life...

I've been feeling fustrated lately. I finally have some ideas of what I want to do but I have no money nor time to do it. It doesn't involve schooling. I've already wasted too much money with that. I really can't afford to take out more loans unless I'm really going for something. Which I still flirt with being a HS teacher. Salaried, benefits, and lots of time off :) I'm mostly sick of school myself and the thought of dealing with parents and administration knots my stomach. I don't think I could get a grant or anything like that. I haven't found a rich man to take care of me. I did manage to fall for a divorcee who is paying child support for two kids and is barely making by for himself. Even my ex-husband had a bit of extra so I didn't have to pay bills...just needed to work for spending money.

After all these years of wanting to be independent and forward thinking and modern it turns out I'm old fashioned in the end. I want to be taken care of. Well not for always a and I'm still independent and forward thinking. I just like the idea of being a housefrau who can devote herself to home, artistic pursuits, and philanthropy. I want my cake and eat it too. Well other rich women get this. I'm not exactly eye candy anymore. Not that I ever was model level or anything like that. I am getting older: extra weight, wrinkles, age spots!

I just can't help feeling like I'm settling. For this life. With the guy I have. I always wanted to travel and create for a living. Maybe I can still do that. I just have to wait a bit.

The crazy thing is that I really do want to settle down. I want travel too. But I need a home base. I need a creative space that I can call home. Even if I end up renting for 5 years at the same address it will be better than it has been. My best memories of recent were at the place I was at for 2 and 1/2 years. I wish I had utilized them better. I could afford to work part time there. I had so much freedom. Lots of time but little money. I did travel a bit with school loans and birthday gifts. I was in an open relationship but I minimally utilized it. I think I did get scaried when I fell for this one young Adonis. I passed other hot viable options because I believed in a person and the life we were building. I limited myself in other ways because I thought I had to have things perfect. Yet I learned to go with the flow at that house. We had various hippies and artists. It would of been a great time to let myself be young and free. I had somehow aged too much by my mid 20's. I was the responsible one in the house...a bit of a den mother of sorts. Also I was still having trouble with my anxiety and depression. I would get agoriphobic at times...not wanting to leave my bedroom....my space. I also could not do too many drugs because they seemed to make my anxiety worse. I couldn't drink much because the meds I was on interacted with it weirdly. Despite all this I had created a home. I have fond memories of when I did allow myself to be more sociable. That relationship has since returned to just a friendship and now I'm in something totally different.


I'm looking right now for a place for me and him to call home. He is thinking of buying a place next year but I think I'm going to try to talk him into waiting another year (espcially if we find a good place now). So we can save money and be more sure of doing it together. By himself he can't get much but together we could get something a bit better.
I want to settle down without settling. Which sometimes I feel like I've done. But I'll never be happy with a guy that is better looking than me in the long run. Unless I was in absolute love and it was so very evident they were too. I can't wait for that though. I have found someone that is pretty good looking, I like them and they like me, we are great together in the sack, we have similiar interests and I think I really love them. Although it bugs me that I'm not 100% sure that I am. It wasn't head over heels kind of thing. It has been somewhere betweeen infatuation and a slow long steady love that time builds into a fortress. Did I mention the sex is great!
Every relationship has a different flavor but this has been a really awesome and strange trip. While my nags seem to be busy at work, deep down inside something feels right. I'm worried I'm going to fuck it up by worrying, avoiding, or my need for new and exciting territory.

yet again....

Well, I got unexpectedly busy last summer. I also seemed to journal more directly to my computer instead of blogging. Downside: when computer is stolen so is your work. Most of it was a book I was attempting to write so I couldn't do that in a blog. Someone suggested a private wiki. I will have to look more into that.
I think that journaling is good for the soul. The nice thing about blogging is that one can be as anonymous or known to one's own choosing.
So that's that and a bucket of slugs :)