Tuesday, June 9, 2009

These Dreams are Made of Smoke and Mirrors.

Dreams are a poison that lulls and tenderizes you for the sharp knife that is reality. Too often I live in dreams and do not live my real life. The life of now. I feel stuck in a circle of positivity, chaos, and disappointment. I see ways out but the hardest one seems the path I must take. I don't like the hard path. I can travel on it for only so long. That time period always varies for me. I feel like I'm making excuses and babying myself. I think that somehow if I stick my head in the sand it will be all ok when I pop back out. The bogeyman, the task, the reality won't be there no more. Somehow my dreams will eventually become reality.

I thought of suicide for the first time in a long time tonight. I couldn't do it but it looked so tempting. I know it is the cowardly way out. I'm crying as I type this. I have a hard time crying. I don't like to let myself cry...it is weakness. I'm not vulnerable. I'm strong with a mushy interior. But no one needs to know I'm a crustacean.

I started to cry because of a movie. It was sad. It also made me realize something. That made me sad. It was a strange cascade of emotions and information.

An Aussie woman (a geologist) is in charge of showing around the Japanese son of the owner of a mining company. Various things happen but they fall for each other. He is married. I know it will not work out in the end. What does happen throws me for a loop: he dies an accidental death. She is faced with getting him back and then his wife. Comedy of errors, turned romance, turned tragedy. It wasn't the greatest piece of cinema but it made me think of my own Asian tryst.

A Korean guy here to study a summer term. We had a great little summer thing. I knew that he was going back. He had even mentioned something about an arranged marriage with a girl when he was young. I somehow knew that I was only a play toy so I kept the cards close to the chest. I guarded my heart. The crazy thing is that he said he loved me. I felt he was just saying it because he thought he should. I would say it back but I never really allowed myself to believe it. I knew that when he went back we would be over. Yet he said he might try to move to the US and then he invited me to Korea. So we started making plans. I didn't want to fly all that way just to be there for 5 days. I told him that I wanted to come for 8-10 days and have a pit stop in Japan. He broke up with me. I knew that he planned on us going to some resort when I was there. I was going to be hid from his family. I don't know if he was already married or if the arranged marriage was still in process (he never did say but then again I never asked...I didn't want to know even though I did). So I told him that I knew he didn't mean that he loved me when he said it and that I didn't mean it either. I told him I wasn't sure exactly why he wanted to hide me but I knew he had/was. He never wrote me back. I think I even apologized a few months later but he never wrote back. I had lost him forever. I thought I was all over that. Then tonight the movie reminds me of all that. Then I realize: Shit! I did love him. That is why I was protective. That is why I wished for him to give more than I knew he could give.

After him I got into a safe relationship. With a guy I had been friends with since High School. We had known each other for about a decade and he was a step down in the looks department. Not that he was ugly just not high caliber. I set the terms of the relationship and it survived and even somehow flourished. It provided the stability I needed for healing at that time. I had a hard time right before him. The Korean was only the last of a long string of soul crushing failures. I'm no longer with the HS pal but we managed to come out still friends in the end despite some hard times. We aren't as close as we were during our relationship but we are closer than before. I miss him being my best friend. And yeah, that hurts at times too.

I've loved and lost so much in my life. I've survived some hard times. Yet I know that others before me , around me, and after me will go through so much more. I know I can get through because I have before. I'm just sick of the struggle. I want life to give me a bit of a break. I want lots of things that I may or may not be able to provide for myself but I can't stop trying. To stop would only be a living death. Not to live while one is breathing is a meager existence. Giving up because my life isn't just being handed to me on a platter is ridiculous! I need to reel in the inner child a bit. She is causing me to miss out on the life I need to be living right now. I gotta be my own parent.

No comments:

Post a Comment