Long and Winding Road

Been a bit since my last post.  I guess I've just been busy: trying to play catch up from all the inactivity of the past year.  I've been feeling much better lately but still have a bit of work to do. 

I recently ended the relationship I was in.  It was the best break up ever. Were actually "friends with benefits" now. I didn't think I could do it but I'm getting better with all the sex, love, relationship, etc stuff.  I'm moving a few hours away but will be around once a month.  I gotta get over my possessiveness issues.  This will be a good learning experience.  When I move to Florida in a few months things will end.  Maybe I'll see or be with him again after that but a good possibility I will not be sexually with him for awhile or ever again.  There is a guy in Florida I have a thing for and I just feel like it might turn into something.  Not sure.  But if it does then it will most likely be monogamous because he is of that mindset.  I don't know if I'm quite ready for true polyarmory but if I did venture that way it would have to be with someone who is pretty comfortable and even-minded about it.  Florida guy is not in that zone.  I've done ok lately with monogamy.  I think that either way there is still the issues that people in relationships have to deal with.  Maybe if I can get a grip on them in monogamous relationship then I will have a better grasp on them in a possible future polygamous one.  I would love to find a "forever mate"  I look at old couples and see that bond and I really really want it.  I'm not sure if Florida guy is the one but he may be a good stepping stone towards finding that life-mate.

You won't like me when I'm angry...

I have dealt with anger issues my whole life.  I am better about it than when I was younger.  Still it is a part of me that rebels against growing up.  Isn't expressing how I feel truth.  If I see a pile of shit I point it out and if it pisses me off then I point it out quite angrily.  This is especially true when people around me say the pile of shit is a bunch of roses. 

I've tried being fake.  It's tough. It makes me feel dirty.  Yet I know that sometimes you gotta smooth things over or put on the happy face for the sake of some greater good.  Doesn't mean I gotta like it.  I think we all learn to do it as a survival mechanism.  Some of us more than others.  We learn as children that the best way to please someone (adults and peers) is to act a certain way.  We all have multiple personalities or at least multiple versions of ourselves.  I remember when I was 17 I commented to a friend in a moment of honesty that I have so many masks that I'm not sure who the real me is.  I have a much better idea of who I am but I don't know how to completely and healthily integrate her into reality. 

There are parts of me that I'm ashamed of...especially my anger.  I don't know how to properly channel that anger usefully in ways that are meaningful, not hurtful and satisfactory.  Anger is only an example of the frustration I feel with myself.  It is this frustration with myself and the world around me that leads me to dark places.  Sometimes so dark I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

To be continued.......

Stress Brain and the Rest of the Body

Something I thought about while driving the other day or was it watching tv or both....hmmmm.  I need sticky notes or to actually use that tape recorder in the car. It did have to do with mental stuff.  I remember it being rather poetic and insightful.  I tend to have some of my best thoughts at the most inopportune times.

Stress brain sucks!  Not to mention getting older.  I've always been flighty but could remember most things in a somewhat timely fashion.  I could possibly be trying to do too much. I have decided to scale back a little.  Yet I do need a second job.

The whole grandmother dieing hasn't helped.  I'm struggling again through the physical pain and agoraphobia that is caused by my stress.  I may just need to try to get help with one of these mental health organizations.  Whenever I have heard of these I have always thought of severe bipolar or schizophrenia or such.  I'm starting to admit how much this is affecting my life.  I really don't want to go on disability yet it may be good as a way to temporarily help to relieve the stress I'm feeling.  I can still work on disability and I can start up my business that I have been wanting to.  By the time I got things going I'll be doing better mentally I hope and can get off "assistance".  

Grandparent-less

I was blessed with 10 grandparents at birth: 6 great-grandparents and 4 grandparents.  All of them gave me love...grandparents are good at that.  They each showed their love in different ways.  I can carry the love and the lessons of their love with me for the rest of my life.  I can also pass them on.  Yet it still hurts to not have them here any more. 

I just lost my last one a few weeks ago.  Growing up she was the grandparent I disliked the most.  She didn't have much patience for us hyper kids.  As I got older we got to know each other better and I realized that even though some of us weren't her "favorites" we still received love from her in her own way.  She lived half decently long but both her parents lived a lot longer.  She was very active and strong.  Embolisms can strike down the best of us.  We all thought she would be around for another 10-20 years. 

So now I walk this world without grandparents.  Its a good thing my mother and I have been patching things up between us.  Yet...there is nothing like grandparents: especially the good ones.  It just feels so empty. 

I can't help but think how lucky my favorite grandmother didn't die last.  I dont' think I could take the double shock of her loss with the complete loss of grandparents.  I had a very very hard time with her death.  I was on meds but I was a complete mess.  I even remember wishing my grandmothers could switch places.  Not that I wanted my mother's mother dead it was just I didn't know how I was going to survive without my dad's mother.  She embodied unconditional love.  I used to spend at least a week with my dad's parents in the summer and I also look a lot like her.  Even now I am sobbing a few years later. 

Young adult literature and book blogging

So I wrote this as a comment to a book blog I was checking out:
The boom of young adult literature much like its children's literature counterpart is both good and bad. It it good becuase it seems to increase reading in these age groups which probably continues throughout their lives. The flip side is that they are mostly reading the fluffy cotton candy of literature. Taking up so much of their time ready the dessert without ever having a meal.

Got me thinking if I should blog about books. I read quite a bit. I could do a general media blog seeming I also consume movie and tv and a half decent pace. I could just include a book a week type thing on this blog or another blog I'm thinking of doing. This other blog will be focusing on living in concientiously with tips and thoughts and reviews of products. My reading doesn't always fall along those lines but even quite a bit of my reading reaches into socio-political concerns. I don't want any blog to be very political though. Politics is too divisive. I may rant once a blue moon on here about something bugging me but I would severely shy away from it on a blog that is trying to bring people together for a higher purpose.

Rural vs Urban

So the blog I've been lost in lately is about a woman who trades big city living to marry a rancher (you probably know the one I'm talking about). It has gotten me thinking about my life long struggle with city vs country living. Suburbia mostly disturbs me. Especially the template housing developments. Small towns are more my cup of tea. Especially if they are at least nearish (hr or at max). Portsmouth, NH and Ithaca, NY are two of my favorites.

I currently live in a small town near two smallish cities and lots of other small towns of various character. There is a movement here to try to make things more interesting but I live on the island part of the town (yeah I live on an island in the middle of a river) that is cut off by a 4 lane road to the downtown area. Downtown would be nice but we have way more storage and its a bit cheaper. When the weather is warmer I can cycle to downtown.

So even though I have sort of have what I desire I still don't own and the small backyard is shared with a family with boys. Very hard to garden with them crashing about. So I'm going to try to get a community garden plot. Yet this is only happening if I don't move away...more about that later.

A meandering garden with roses, herbs and wild flowers. Stone patio area and path with benches and an arbored area with grapes growing. Bamboo and a koi pond. Chickens and a food garden. This is my dream I've had for so long. The older I get the more intangible it seems to be yet the more I want it. Someday..........

Part of me still would love to live out in the middle of nowhere with tons of dogs, cats, horses, etc. Another would love to live in the city and feed off the energy and flow of that magic. If I could have my way I would have a co-op farm/rescue animal place and an apt in the city. Instead I'm settling for an apt in a small town. One does have to make do with what one can. I live close to many people and places I cherish. It is familiar here. I do miss the exploring and every once in awhile I head out again (France in April!). Yet I'm unsettled. The guy I'm with is just a bit off. He's not horrible or anything but after we've been dating and then moved in with each other I've discovered/opened my eyes to things that I just can not deal with in the long run. But that is a topic for a different day.

I love animals and plants and space and trees. I love culture, people, good food and the general pulse of the city. I know how to shit in the woods and piss in the alley. I cherish comfort, home and the familiar. I seek out new things constantly...expanding myself. I'm a torn woman who is slowly learning to integrate herself.

Finally checking out other blogs.

Not that I've never read a blog. But I've never really surfed the blogsphere. So I've actually been so sidetracked with that the last few weeks (and some other stuff...see below) that I haven't blogged.

So in my meandering there was only that really caught my attention and been losing sleep because of it. After being absorbed by this blog on and off for the past week I find out it is like huge and won tons of awards. (oooh looks like wontons...he he).

Also been busy with Christmas stuff and my grandmother dieing. Even took a road trip to Buffalo to see a band and my brother with a friend of mine. I have been feeling a lot better this month. I also finally applied for Medicaid and Foodstamps. Reading way more. This also cuts down on my online time and thus my chances of getting around to blogging.

Really though I should blog more. This has turned into my online diary of sorts. I really don't write in my paper one as much as I used to. Even a decade ago I used to write almost everyday. I haven't told anyone I know about this blog and maybe some day I will but for know I enjoy this way to share without much censorship (I think we all censor at least a little bit). If I share this with people I know then well it has lost that anonymity.

I got on blogger because I guess I wanted to connect and share in my struggles. Not so much for myself as for other people and for humanity in general. I really think that blogging may just be a great way for people to connect in a disconnected world. Blogs shouldn't replace real and in person relationships but when there is a deficit we can turn to the internet. I remember when I first started to get online. Not many people were online in the mid 90's but I found community in chatrooms. At the time I was a socially awkward teen (Hell I'm still socially awkward in ways) and the internet provided a way to gain some confidence. In college had lots of groups of people I hung out with and some friends but I still had trouble with social graces and conversation. Having both the internet and in person relationships was very helpful in creating a better me (despite the issues I still have). Although I did laugh quite hardily at a comedian the other day when he said about blogs that, "never have so many said so little".

So I have no idea if anyone reads this blog but if they do they don't comment. It's OK if no one does read this. It would be nice if I could share in humanity because of this blog but if I don't it is not the end of the world either.