Monday, March 1, 2010

You won't like me when I'm angry...

I have dealt with anger issues my whole life.  I am better about it than when I was younger.  Still it is a part of me that rebels against growing up.  Isn't expressing how I feel truth.  If I see a pile of shit I point it out and if it pisses me off then I point it out quite angrily.  This is especially true when people around me say the pile of shit is a bunch of roses. 

I've tried being fake.  It's tough. It makes me feel dirty.  Yet I know that sometimes you gotta smooth things over or put on the happy face for the sake of some greater good.  Doesn't mean I gotta like it.  I think we all learn to do it as a survival mechanism.  Some of us more than others.  We learn as children that the best way to please someone (adults and peers) is to act a certain way.  We all have multiple personalities or at least multiple versions of ourselves.  I remember when I was 17 I commented to a friend in a moment of honesty that I have so many masks that I'm not sure who the real me is.  I have a much better idea of who I am but I don't know how to completely and healthily integrate her into reality. 

There are parts of me that I'm ashamed of...especially my anger.  I don't know how to properly channel that anger usefully in ways that are meaningful, not hurtful and satisfactory.  Anger is only an example of the frustration I feel with myself.  It is this frustration with myself and the world around me that leads me to dark places.  Sometimes so dark I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

To be continued.......

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