Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I was blessed with 10 grandparents at birth: 6 great-grandparents and 4 grandparents.  All of them gave me love...grandparents are good at that.  They each showed their love in different ways.  I can carry the love and the lessons of their love with me for the rest of my life.  I can also pass them on.  Yet it still hurts to not have them here any more. 

I just lost my last one a few weeks ago.  Growing up she was the grandparent I disliked the most.  She didn't have much patience for us hyper kids.  As I got older we got to know each other better and I realized that even though some of us weren't her "favorites" we still received love from her in her own way.  She lived half decently long but both her parents lived a lot longer.  She was very active and strong.  Embolisms can strike down the best of us.  We all thought she would be around for another 10-20 years. 

So now I walk this world without grandparents.  Its a good thing my mother and I have been patching things up between us.  Yet...there is nothing like grandparents: especially the good ones.  It just feels so empty. 

I can't help but think how lucky my favorite grandmother didn't die last.  I dont' think I could take the double shock of her loss with the complete loss of grandparents.  I had a very very hard time with her death.  I was on meds but I was a complete mess.  I even remember wishing my grandmothers could switch places.  Not that I wanted my mother's mother dead it was just I didn't know how I was going to survive without my dad's mother.  She embodied unconditional love.  I used to spend at least a week with my dad's parents in the summer and I also look a lot like her.  Even now I am sobbing a few years later. 

Friday, January 15, 2010

Young adult literature and book blogging

So I wrote this as a comment to a book blog I was checking out:
The boom of young adult literature much like its children's literature counterpart is both good and bad. It it good becuase it seems to increase reading in these age groups which probably continues throughout their lives. The flip side is that they are mostly reading the fluffy cotton candy of literature. Taking up so much of their time ready the dessert without ever having a meal.

Got me thinking if I should blog about books. I read quite a bit. I could do a general media blog seeming I also consume movie and tv and a half decent pace. I could just include a book a week type thing on this blog or another blog I'm thinking of doing. This other blog will be focusing on living in concientiously with tips and thoughts and reviews of products. My reading doesn't always fall along those lines but even quite a bit of my reading reaches into socio-political concerns. I don't want any blog to be very political though. Politics is too divisive. I may rant once a blue moon on here about something bugging me but I would severely shy away from it on a blog that is trying to bring people together for a higher purpose.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rural vs Urban

So the blog I've been lost in lately is about a woman who trades big city living to marry a rancher (you probably know the one I'm talking about). It has gotten me thinking about my life long struggle with city vs country living. Suburbia mostly disturbs me. Especially the template housing developments. Small towns are more my cup of tea. Especially if they are at least nearish (hr or at max). Portsmouth, NH and Ithaca, NY are two of my favorites.

I currently live in a small town near two smallish cities and lots of other small towns of various character. There is a movement here to try to make things more interesting but I live on the island part of the town (yeah I live on an island in the middle of a river) that is cut off by a 4 lane road to the downtown area. Downtown would be nice but we have way more storage and its a bit cheaper. When the weather is warmer I can cycle to downtown.

So even though I have sort of have what I desire I still don't own and the small backyard is shared with a family with boys. Very hard to garden with them crashing about. So I'm going to try to get a community garden plot. Yet this is only happening if I don't move away...more about that later.

A meandering garden with roses, herbs and wild flowers. Stone patio area and path with benches and an arbored area with grapes growing. Bamboo and a koi pond. Chickens and a food garden. This is my dream I've had for so long. The older I get the more intangible it seems to be yet the more I want it. Someday..........

Part of me still would love to live out in the middle of nowhere with tons of dogs, cats, horses, etc. Another would love to live in the city and feed off the energy and flow of that magic. If I could have my way I would have a co-op farm/rescue animal place and an apt in the city. Instead I'm settling for an apt in a small town. One does have to make do with what one can. I live close to many people and places I cherish. It is familiar here. I do miss the exploring and every once in awhile I head out again (France in April!). Yet I'm unsettled. The guy I'm with is just a bit off. He's not horrible or anything but after we've been dating and then moved in with each other I've discovered/opened my eyes to things that I just can not deal with in the long run. But that is a topic for a different day.

I love animals and plants and space and trees. I love culture, people, good food and the general pulse of the city. I know how to shit in the woods and piss in the alley. I cherish comfort, home and the familiar. I seek out new things constantly...expanding myself. I'm a torn woman who is slowly learning to integrate herself.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Finally checking out other blogs.

Not that I've never read a blog. But I've never really surfed the blogsphere. So I've actually been so sidetracked with that the last few weeks (and some other stuff...see below) that I haven't blogged.

So in my meandering there was only that really caught my attention and been losing sleep because of it. After being absorbed by this blog on and off for the past week I find out it is like huge and won tons of awards. (oooh looks like wontons...he he).

Also been busy with Christmas stuff and my grandmother dieing. Even took a road trip to Buffalo to see a band and my brother with a friend of mine. I have been feeling a lot better this month. I also finally applied for Medicaid and Foodstamps. Reading way more. This also cuts down on my online time and thus my chances of getting around to blogging.

Really though I should blog more. This has turned into my online diary of sorts. I really don't write in my paper one as much as I used to. Even a decade ago I used to write almost everyday. I haven't told anyone I know about this blog and maybe some day I will but for know I enjoy this way to share without much censorship (I think we all censor at least a little bit). If I share this with people I know then well it has lost that anonymity.

I got on blogger because I guess I wanted to connect and share in my struggles. Not so much for myself as for other people and for humanity in general. I really think that blogging may just be a great way for people to connect in a disconnected world. Blogs shouldn't replace real and in person relationships but when there is a deficit we can turn to the internet. I remember when I first started to get online. Not many people were online in the mid 90's but I found community in chatrooms. At the time I was a socially awkward teen (Hell I'm still socially awkward in ways) and the internet provided a way to gain some confidence. In college had lots of groups of people I hung out with and some friends but I still had trouble with social graces and conversation. Having both the internet and in person relationships was very helpful in creating a better me (despite the issues I still have). Although I did laugh quite hardily at a comedian the other day when he said about blogs that, "never have so many said so little".

So I have no idea if anyone reads this blog but if they do they don't comment. It's OK if no one does read this. It would be nice if I could share in humanity because of this blog but if I don't it is not the end of the world either.