Thursday, November 26, 2009

Parting is such sweet sorrow

That is if you ever really part. I guess I'm just delaying. The inevitable that is. I wish it wasn't so but it is. My boyfriend may be cheating on me. Strangely I wouldn't care if he hadn't made us be exclusive. Not that I was against being exclusive. I'm not sure of my preference and I've had open relationships.

Also I think he may be a pathological liar. At least some type of liar. That is harder to prove especially when your mind hasn't been at the top of its game.

I just can't move right now and we live together. Also I'm not quite sure of either of the above. I don't have definitive proof. We have fun together and in general I enjoy spending time with him. I'm going to try this a bit more. My mind is a bit clearer these days. If I still think I'm seeing what I"m seeing in a few months then I'll leave.

Actually I have a bit of a plan for being way more ready to move. I haven't been organized since my fire so that is number one. Also we don't have much space in our combined households and I've already said to him that I was going to cull some of my stuff. Especially the decorative stuff. That will be in totes. I can take some of this to my parent's place. Some stuff I was planning on not packing up because I wanted to use it to start my business. I'll pack some of it up because I can only do so much in the next few months. Despite my hope that the situation will improve or that I read it wrong in the first place I'm a realist. If I'm wrong I can always get it out again. I'm not exactly sure where it is going to go anyway. I was hoping to store some of it in the basement and if it is organized and labeled I can have easier access. With our amount of room it just isn't going to be able to be as visual as I would like it to be. Wow that was a lot of "to be"s.

I will focus on Christmas. Then I will work on my business and start to make a little money so I have something to fall back on. The whole time I can organize and repack stuff. Meanwhile my boyfriend and I can do our song and dance. At least I have goals....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Humpty Dumpty....

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again. I feel like that.

If pottery breaks you just piece it together if you can find all the pieces. It will never look the same but it will be whole. It also will not be as stable or strong as it once was. More complex things like automobiles, computers, and living things...especially complex ones like humans need more attention. You may make things worse or not get to the source of why they are broken unless you do a full examination and also look backwards to see why they are broken. I'm tired of all these panaceas that modern medicine and psychiatry is clogged with.

I'm reading all this psych stuff. I studied it too. I understand the different theories. Today they tend to blend them together. I think that is the best approach. Yet not all of them do this. I have to find one that can or multiple ones. I got the techniques in the books. I just need someone to help me stay on track with them and to maybe tailor them for me. I also need someone to help figure out the reasons for the way I am this now. I just need a rough sketch. There is no way I will be able to move on with my life without knowing "Why?" It is just how I am. That was one of my biggest impediments with math...I kept asking too many questions. Maybe that is the answer to the question. Irony is a dish best served cold.