I have dealt with anger issues my whole life. I am better about it than when I was younger. Still it is a part of me that rebels against growing up. Isn't expressing how I feel truth. If I see a pile of shit I point it out and if it pisses me off then I point it out quite angrily. This is especially true when people around me say the pile of shit is a bunch of roses.
I've tried being fake. It's tough. It makes me feel dirty. Yet I know that sometimes you gotta smooth things over or put on the happy face for the sake of some greater good. Doesn't mean I gotta like it. I think we all learn to do it as a survival mechanism. Some of us more than others. We learn as children that the best way to please someone (adults and peers) is to act a certain way. We all have multiple personalities or at least multiple versions of ourselves. I remember when I was 17 I commented to a friend in a moment of honesty that I have so many masks that I'm not sure who the real me is. I have a much better idea of who I am but I don't know how to completely and healthily integrate her into reality.
There are parts of me that I'm ashamed of...especially my anger. I don't know how to properly channel that anger usefully in ways that are meaningful, not hurtful and satisfactory. Anger is only an example of the frustration I feel with myself. It is this frustration with myself and the world around me that leads me to dark places. Sometimes so dark I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
To be continued.......
