Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Poetry is so varied and interesting. It can be seen as pretentious by some and it has that potential. Yet the people involved run the gamut of human emotions and personalities.

I've struggled with my own. I think that my poetry is one aspect of my writing career that I have maintained the most. I really do need to write more. I probably should go through my journals to pick out pieces to clean up. I should also write more as well as learn to perform it as well.

Poetry will probably never make me money or at least not much. Yet it is so good to express like that. I wish poetry was appreciated better. I wish good literature was better appreciated.

The dumbing down of America sucks for so many reasons.........

Love and Loss

I envy those who are lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of their lives with their first great love. Not just that but have a good relationship with them as well. It does not even have to be the first but the second or third...shit any.

I once read that people only have three great loves in their lifetime. I thought about it and realized I already had mine. It brought me great distress. I still have a bit of anxiety about it. Am I forever doomed?

My analytical nature has been a stumbling block. Although one wonders if it has preserved me for something better. A relationship that blends that intense devotion, with steadfast love, common interests and goals, and mutual respect is of the highest sort. Why is it so rare? I can not but help to blame our culture for its lack of commonality and need for instant gratification.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Good Day...

A little klutziness in the beginning and the end but overall a great day.

Had breakfast with my family. The crepes were kinda sucky though.

Went home and caught up with Dexter, which is awesome this season. Then made snowmen with my niece. She had a bit of a tantrum but I showed Mom how to handle it.

I took a nap.

When I woke up we cracked open the geodes and split the booty.

We went to get roller skates or blades. Finally talked her out of roller blades after her trying them on. Then we went rollerskating in the park. I also got her to wear knee pads so she could fall better and learn faster.

After that we played on the playground. I forgot the pure joy of swinging. It was fun climbing everything too but it was swinging that set me free. I was transported back to childhood. I wanted to swing for a long time yet my grownup interrupted. It was getting late and we needed to get home and go to bed.

I watched Criminal Minds while working on Christmas list and shopping on Also I started to try to teach myself binary while watching Mythbusters. Then a monster making show came on. This specific one was trying to figure out what a scientific dragon would look and be like. They looked at various animals and insects, current and extinct. While watching I broke open two pomegranates. I ate some and drank some raspberry beer while watching Young Frankenstein. Still watching and doing various things online.

Simple pleasures. Event filled. General sense of happiness and overall well being.

Now I have the choice: To watch Star Trek Nemesis or not. Do need sleep but what a great ending to my night that would be :)

Literary Diatribe into a Daydream

I really want to do something new with the English language and literature like my heroes. There is thousands of writers out there...many good ones. How does one stand out? The best known ones these days are generally sub-par for the masses. So many innovators and wanna be ones make it such a daunting task to stick out and be noticed. All artists have to have at least some manner of ego to accomplish great things. Generally it is a very big ego and not always tempered with humility. Yes....ego and humility can coexist.

I'm also starting to have book and short story ideas again. I'll have basic ideas but not anything I think I can flesh out sooner than later. I don't want to be definable which they won't let me but If I can have at least 3 labels applied to my book then that is undefinable to me. Science fiction and chick lit are where my most of my ideas fall into. I even have a few children's books in my head.

I need to make the time for writing. I've finally found what I want to do in life (well part of it...the part I'd most likely make some half decent money at) and now I don't have the resources that I used to have. It will be awhile before I have anything I would even try to have published. I think I will focus on essays and short stories and in about a year I will have enough to find an agent and get that whole enchilada in the oven.

Who knows if I'll get something new going but my urge to write is so huge I can't deny it. I also want to make stuff and have a house and a garden...maybe a small farm: a horse, chickens, a peacock and lots of cats and dogs at the very least. I wouldn't be averse to sheep, alpacas, or tons of horses. A girl can dream.........

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Parting is such sweet sorrow

That is if you ever really part. I guess I'm just delaying. The inevitable that is. I wish it wasn't so but it is. My boyfriend may be cheating on me. Strangely I wouldn't care if he hadn't made us be exclusive. Not that I was against being exclusive. I'm not sure of my preference and I've had open relationships.

Also I think he may be a pathological liar. At least some type of liar. That is harder to prove especially when your mind hasn't been at the top of its game.

I just can't move right now and we live together. Also I'm not quite sure of either of the above. I don't have definitive proof. We have fun together and in general I enjoy spending time with him. I'm going to try this a bit more. My mind is a bit clearer these days. If I still think I'm seeing what I"m seeing in a few months then I'll leave.

Actually I have a bit of a plan for being way more ready to move. I haven't been organized since my fire so that is number one. Also we don't have much space in our combined households and I've already said to him that I was going to cull some of my stuff. Especially the decorative stuff. That will be in totes. I can take some of this to my parent's place. Some stuff I was planning on not packing up because I wanted to use it to start my business. I'll pack some of it up because I can only do so much in the next few months. Despite my hope that the situation will improve or that I read it wrong in the first place I'm a realist. If I'm wrong I can always get it out again. I'm not exactly sure where it is going to go anyway. I was hoping to store some of it in the basement and if it is organized and labeled I can have easier access. With our amount of room it just isn't going to be able to be as visual as I would like it to be. Wow that was a lot of "to be"s.

I will focus on Christmas. Then I will work on my business and start to make a little money so I have something to fall back on. The whole time I can organize and repack stuff. Meanwhile my boyfriend and I can do our song and dance. At least I have goals....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Humpty Dumpty....

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again. I feel like that.

If pottery breaks you just piece it together if you can find all the pieces. It will never look the same but it will be whole. It also will not be as stable or strong as it once was. More complex things like automobiles, computers, and living things...especially complex ones like humans need more attention. You may make things worse or not get to the source of why they are broken unless you do a full examination and also look backwards to see why they are broken. I'm tired of all these panaceas that modern medicine and psychiatry is clogged with.

I'm reading all this psych stuff. I studied it too. I understand the different theories. Today they tend to blend them together. I think that is the best approach. Yet not all of them do this. I have to find one that can or multiple ones. I got the techniques in the books. I just need someone to help me stay on track with them and to maybe tailor them for me. I also need someone to help figure out the reasons for the way I am this now. I just need a rough sketch. There is no way I will be able to move on with my life without knowing "Why?" It is just how I am. That was one of my biggest impediments with math...I kept asking too many questions. Maybe that is the answer to the question. Irony is a dish best served cold.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I have/had given up on myself. I've disappointed everyone including myself. I don't know if I can go on. Yet if I just wallow and do not live I will only continue to disappoint. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no harm in trying but I'm crippled by my fear of failure. I feel alone in this place I'm in. No one seems to understand. Both my therapist and my boyfriend said if I really want to I would. They both pissed me off but I still wonder if there isn't some truth to it. Yet if you haven't been here then you can never truly know what its like.

I'm completely destroyed by my guilt. It has eaten me alive. I had already realized this and wrote and talked a little about it the day before but last night when I broke down and cried it to my boyfriend. Lots of extra stuff came out and somehow I realized it more so. My understanding was so fast and intense that I had a major headache for like 10 minutes...until I calmed down. It hurt really bad. I don't know if was the emotional intensity, the knowledge or both.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The hidden things

I hate when I forget things. Something triggered my need to spout out about it but by the time I got to it, after getting sidetracked getting online and watching "Oprah". I'll remember eventually I hope. Damn! All this stress.

Oh, well. It was some minor hehe interesting type observation type thing. This happens a lot. I used to carry a recording thing with me for awhile. Now it just hangs out in my car. I actually haven't used it lately. The cassettes I have filled up over the years are just somewhere and hopefully not deteriorated yet. I really need to get those transcribed. Especially the road trip ones from years ago.

Hidden things in my mind, hidden things around the house, hidden things from the past caught on tape and the hidden thing of those that run the world. Especially the corporate oligarchy that oversees this nation...but that's a rant for a different day.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Combining Households: A Hairaising Adventure

So I've been moving into my boyfriend's place. The original plan was to get a new place together which would of been still stressful but in a different way for the most part. Well he talked me into moving into his place. It's tough because I still feel like I'm invading his space and I think he feels that way as well. He has his daughters over for the long weekend. It's just making the stress worse. On top of it all he is stressed because he may be loosing his job and even if he wasn't he has to quit soon because they are reducing his pay and treating him like shit. So he is also trying to start his own business and look for another job. I'm laid off and all that other shit.

So tonight the shit hits the fan. On top of all these stressers I don't take my medicine today until late, yesterday I didn't have it at all and the day before I had half the dose...actually a quarter of the new dose. Then I decide to have a beer. Then he decides to be an ass. I take my meds and hole myself away until the beer wears off. Once this happens I decide we should talk but I wait a bit to make sure I'm more calm...then he comes in the room so I pause my show. We talk but he is just being more of an ass. So I ask who is sleeping on the couch tonight and storm out semi quietly so I can get some space to calm down. For the sake of his kids I did not tear into him like I wanted to.

I've cried twice tonight and one time I was not intoxicated. That is a big deal for me...let me correct that...a huge deal. The crying not the not being intoxicated. Actually I hardly ever drink these days. I'm sad, confused, pissed off, worried and generally just looking back at my life trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. Is this pattern saying something about me or about the men I choose. Which I guess is saying something about me, too. Possibly a bit of both. I would like to think that I learn from my mistakes. But I guess I'm not. I move in with men way too soon. There is always a reason and it is always financial. Tommy was the only exception of moving in together as a disaster...except the second time around. Yet the first time we did it was ok. It was a bit rough at first but after we got past that and figured things out we did all right. I knew Tommy since High School. He is pretty much "What you see is what you get." I loved that about him. There was things I didn't like about him and a few minor surprises but there wasn't this big change from dating Tommy to living together Tommy.

On the other hand others have. Kyle started to show his truer colours about 2 months ago. Some things before that and some after. Also I think I started to put 2 and 2 together better. I didn't have all the pieces and I still don't. I've had these warning bells for awhile now. I haven't known if it was for a good reason or me getting paranoid. I still don't. We are both really stressed.


The first time I remember hearing the word was the Chili Pepper's song. I immediately understood it in so many different ways. In another lifetime I lived in SoCal....San Diego not LA but it still instilled a certain aspects to my personality and way of thinking. There are similarities between the two but mostly SD is a friendlier, more laid back and less pretentious version of LA. So basically all the good without most of the bad. It is a different world out there. Some of it leaks out into the rest of the country and even the world because of Hollywood but it takes a decade for things to even be somewhat remotely like it is out there ethos wise. Actually more. It's like living in the stone ages out here sometimes. I miss being out there a lot. I hardly know anyone there any more and would be abandoning just about everything and one by leaving to go there. I know I could make new friends. Hell I got a whole bunch to start from with the SD Roller Dolls. Yet I'm sick of making new friends. I can barely keep up with the ones I already have. Actually I do a pretty shit job of that but I'm getting better.

This whole Internet thing is a love-hate thing. It helps to stay connected but I feel can potentially eat up so much of my time. In a good way it is teaching me to budget better. It is enabling me to write express. Hopefully it will soon help me start my business so I don't have to "9-5" it any more.

So I just started watching Californication, the Showtime show. I happened upon once several months back and it seemed interesting so I stuck it on a mental list of shows to potentially check out. Then I was tired and needed something to help keep me awake while I put stuff away from the cooler I packed of refrigerator items (I'm moving...woohooo!) and it was on the new to instant watch on Netflix. Note to all you TV execs who so faithfully follow my blog...getting your shit on instant watch helps get people into the show...we might not want to wait to see the next season online and watch it live. Anyway the aside over now... The show is actually really good. It is irreverent, serious and heartfelt. So much like me :) It is about a New York writer living in LAla land. He both enjoys and disdains the place. I never really thought David Duchovny was all that hot but I do really dig the character. I'd like to have some beers with him. Possibly fuck him. The thing though is he is blogging and it made me think about my blogging. He also is a writer and it reminds me to write. I just started watching the show last night and I've already started writing a book (something that has taken almost 9 months to get back to) and got back to this silly thing as well.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The busy life of a laid off psychotic

Or something like that. Laid off for medical so I don't have health insurance. Good thing my dad is willing and able to help me out. I'm busy with packing. Earlier this month I helped my mother out and spent time with my niece and cousins up north.
I'm also brainstorming of alternate ways to make money. Some of them actually make sense but I gotta check into a few things, get certain things squared away and well get better mentally. One of my old peeps insists on having me back...especially after my replacement went MIA. My boss is giving in but I told her I need a few more weeks. I actually like this pace and break from the stress. He is only 8 hrs a week but I need to finish moving before I take him on. Then I can do him, finish some organization at new place, heal and formulate my game plan. I'm hoping by the end of September that I can pursue my art and at least one other idea in my head.
I got the blood work and saw the sleep specialist peeps. My blood work came back good except my triglycerides are a bit high and my liver function is a little low. My sister said my liver wasn't functioning right when she did her prodding analysis. I think that is why she also suspects hep C. So I'm getting that checked out and the HIV. The sleep peeps wanna check out apnea and narcolepsy.
I'm trying to get my organizers into one organizer and organize it. Trying saying that 10xs fast :)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Tonight I released something indescribable. It was a general heaviness about me. This negative energy. It has been pressing in around me for awhile now. Tomorrow I will see if this carries through to the future. But at least tonight I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time. I also released a few other minor things that were connected to this. I'm doing surgery for the soul.

Usually release for me involves a lot of crying. It may come but right now I feel this burden off of me. I'm releasing things one by one. Recognizing my lack of control and relinquish any silly thoughts that I can.

I can control me. When I try to control everything else I lose control of myself. It's me or Universe. Not that I have that control but it is the effort that matters. When I'm responsible for myself I contribute toward a better universe. I can only do my part. I can only be.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Doesn't Always Have to be Bad News

So I've been pretty much posting on my bad day or days I'm very introspective. My introspection tends to be mostly negative. I was reading about being a Taurus (which I am) and it talked about us being pessimism as one of our potential bad traits. My dad is pessimistic and a Taurus, too. I actually used to be more of an optimist. I've slowly become more skeptical of life and people. I have been working on undoing some of that the last few years to varying success rates.

Stress is one of the main causes of the number one killing diseases. It also makes the world more miserable not only for yourself but for others. Life is way too short to waste it being miserable, distrustful, negative, pessimistic, and generally stressed out.

The last two days haven't been perfect but they are much better. My man is home from being away all week for work. We had some of the best sex ever last night. I guess not only the heart grows fonder but the sex is all pent up and bursts forth with insanity. I've been getting things done around the house and online. I am about to finish up stuff for work...a little late but at least it will be done. It's easier to be happy when things are at least progressing positively. I did almost have a panic attack Thursday night but I talked myself down and worked through it. I hope that both doctors I picked out are helpful and I don't have to look for other ones. I don't need them to see eye to eye (well maybe sort of with the psychiatrist) but I do need them to respect my opinions, be willing to listen and work with me.

Here's to a more positive future! May everyday I learn to be more positive while still able to keep an eye out for scoundrels. May I learn to trust more in my relationships. And may patience be my new best friend!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Agoraphobia is not your friend

Trying to leave the house when severe agoraphobia sets in is the strangest thing. Some days I can get out and other days I'm stuck. The internet doesn't help. I guess I would just lie there or read a book or watch tv. I probably would of gotten out today if I had not mixed up the times for my two massages. The one today was at noon and my one next Friday is at 2:30pm. I realized this at 1:45pm... just a little too late. I gave up on getting ready....well for awhile. I rfeally did try to leave over and over...even to the point of just getting some clothes on and ditching the shower. So today is expensive... I have to pay for a massage that I missed and really needed and also I have to pay for my ticket and my consumers for the ballgame we missed tonight. Not to mention everyday this happens I don't work and get a day closer to loosing my job.

My twitching has returned as well.

Today has been pretty shitty.

These are the times....

that we need to be what we can be. I'm struggling with this. The idea that we have the freedom to do what we want to or what fulfills us. If everyone did this who would be doing the crap jobs. Yet on the other hand why not strive for more.
Right now I'm not doing something horrible and that I's just that I really want to be doing something else. I know what it is finally and I don't have the time while working this job nor the money if I quit. It is more frustration. Ever since I figured this out I've been steadily getting worse physically. Am I internalizing my frustration or is this just a coincidence. I'm steadily not believing in coincidences. Well I used to not believe in them but I attributed them to God. Now I'm not sure what or who but I guess I've never completely let go of something/someone other than me and my fellow humans. Energy, a being, a group of beings, a collective consciousness....????? Whatever it is I'm not sure but even if it is just our collective consciousnesses out there pushing all of us toward our destinies I sense something.
So I guess I can say that I see this all as a sign. I could also say that by internalizing my frustration I've caused the opportunity to reduce my hours at work so I can do what I need to do. Problems the past month or two is that the illness has caused me to get even less done and the second is that the hours are only temporarily reduced. The future good is that I may have realized I can get by, at least temporarily, on less hours. I also may see a more permanent reduction in hours. Which will one give me more time and two give me the impetus to get into gear and make money in more fulfilling ways. So maybe my subconscious just knows better than my conscious mind and is creating what I couldn't consciously make happen....or the universe is leading me to a better place ...or both.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Strange things have been happening. My life is getting more and more surreal. I read too much fiction and possibly have too much of an active imagination. Reality, dimensions, fictional characters, fire, water, 42, rainbows...the images and thoughts are rapidly floating past. All I want is an out or a shift or something and then somehow this blog gets flagged for spam. REALLY?!?
Who the hell would do that? I'm just trying to vent my private frustrations of my own personal hell on a somewhat public forum. Go F#*K yourself!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

These Dreams are Made of Smoke and Mirrors.

Dreams are a poison that lulls and tenderizes you for the sharp knife that is reality. Too often I live in dreams and do not live my real life. The life of now. I feel stuck in a circle of positivity, chaos, and disappointment. I see ways out but the hardest one seems the path I must take. I don't like the hard path. I can travel on it for only so long. That time period always varies for me. I feel like I'm making excuses and babying myself. I think that somehow if I stick my head in the sand it will be all ok when I pop back out. The bogeyman, the task, the reality won't be there no more. Somehow my dreams will eventually become reality.

I thought of suicide for the first time in a long time tonight. I couldn't do it but it looked so tempting. I know it is the cowardly way out. I'm crying as I type this. I have a hard time crying. I don't like to let myself is weakness. I'm not vulnerable. I'm strong with a mushy interior. But no one needs to know I'm a crustacean.

I started to cry because of a movie. It was sad. It also made me realize something. That made me sad. It was a strange cascade of emotions and information.

An Aussie woman (a geologist) is in charge of showing around the Japanese son of the owner of a mining company. Various things happen but they fall for each other. He is married. I know it will not work out in the end. What does happen throws me for a loop: he dies an accidental death. She is faced with getting him back and then his wife. Comedy of errors, turned romance, turned tragedy. It wasn't the greatest piece of cinema but it made me think of my own Asian tryst.

A Korean guy here to study a summer term. We had a great little summer thing. I knew that he was going back. He had even mentioned something about an arranged marriage with a girl when he was young. I somehow knew that I was only a play toy so I kept the cards close to the chest. I guarded my heart. The crazy thing is that he said he loved me. I felt he was just saying it because he thought he should. I would say it back but I never really allowed myself to believe it. I knew that when he went back we would be over. Yet he said he might try to move to the US and then he invited me to Korea. So we started making plans. I didn't want to fly all that way just to be there for 5 days. I told him that I wanted to come for 8-10 days and have a pit stop in Japan. He broke up with me. I knew that he planned on us going to some resort when I was there. I was going to be hid from his family. I don't know if he was already married or if the arranged marriage was still in process (he never did say but then again I never asked...I didn't want to know even though I did). So I told him that I knew he didn't mean that he loved me when he said it and that I didn't mean it either. I told him I wasn't sure exactly why he wanted to hide me but I knew he had/was. He never wrote me back. I think I even apologized a few months later but he never wrote back. I had lost him forever. I thought I was all over that. Then tonight the movie reminds me of all that. Then I realize: Shit! I did love him. That is why I was protective. That is why I wished for him to give more than I knew he could give.

After him I got into a safe relationship. With a guy I had been friends with since High School. We had known each other for about a decade and he was a step down in the looks department. Not that he was ugly just not high caliber. I set the terms of the relationship and it survived and even somehow flourished. It provided the stability I needed for healing at that time. I had a hard time right before him. The Korean was only the last of a long string of soul crushing failures. I'm no longer with the HS pal but we managed to come out still friends in the end despite some hard times. We aren't as close as we were during our relationship but we are closer than before. I miss him being my best friend. And yeah, that hurts at times too.

I've loved and lost so much in my life. I've survived some hard times. Yet I know that others before me , around me, and after me will go through so much more. I know I can get through because I have before. I'm just sick of the struggle. I want life to give me a bit of a break. I want lots of things that I may or may not be able to provide for myself but I can't stop trying. To stop would only be a living death. Not to live while one is breathing is a meager existence. Giving up because my life isn't just being handed to me on a platter is ridiculous! I need to reel in the inner child a bit. She is causing me to miss out on the life I need to be living right now. I gotta be my own parent.

The real work of love and life...

I've been feeling fustrated lately. I finally have some ideas of what I want to do but I have no money nor time to do it. It doesn't involve schooling. I've already wasted too much money with that. I really can't afford to take out more loans unless I'm really going for something. Which I still flirt with being a HS teacher. Salaried, benefits, and lots of time off :) I'm mostly sick of school myself and the thought of dealing with parents and administration knots my stomach. I don't think I could get a grant or anything like that. I haven't found a rich man to take care of me. I did manage to fall for a divorcee who is paying child support for two kids and is barely making by for himself. Even my ex-husband had a bit of extra so I didn't have to pay bills...just needed to work for spending money.

After all these years of wanting to be independent and forward thinking and modern it turns out I'm old fashioned in the end. I want to be taken care of. Well not for always a and I'm still independent and forward thinking. I just like the idea of being a housefrau who can devote herself to home, artistic pursuits, and philanthropy. I want my cake and eat it too. Well other rich women get this. I'm not exactly eye candy anymore. Not that I ever was model level or anything like that. I am getting older: extra weight, wrinkles, age spots!

I just can't help feeling like I'm settling. For this life. With the guy I have. I always wanted to travel and create for a living. Maybe I can still do that. I just have to wait a bit.

The crazy thing is that I really do want to settle down. I want travel too. But I need a home base. I need a creative space that I can call home. Even if I end up renting for 5 years at the same address it will be better than it has been. My best memories of recent were at the place I was at for 2 and 1/2 years. I wish I had utilized them better. I could afford to work part time there. I had so much freedom. Lots of time but little money. I did travel a bit with school loans and birthday gifts. I was in an open relationship but I minimally utilized it. I think I did get scaried when I fell for this one young Adonis. I passed other hot viable options because I believed in a person and the life we were building. I limited myself in other ways because I thought I had to have things perfect. Yet I learned to go with the flow at that house. We had various hippies and artists. It would of been a great time to let myself be young and free. I had somehow aged too much by my mid 20's. I was the responsible one in the house...a bit of a den mother of sorts. Also I was still having trouble with my anxiety and depression. I would get agoriphobic at times...not wanting to leave my space. I also could not do too many drugs because they seemed to make my anxiety worse. I couldn't drink much because the meds I was on interacted with it weirdly. Despite all this I had created a home. I have fond memories of when I did allow myself to be more sociable. That relationship has since returned to just a friendship and now I'm in something totally different.


I'm looking right now for a place for me and him to call home. He is thinking of buying a place next year but I think I'm going to try to talk him into waiting another year (espcially if we find a good place now). So we can save money and be more sure of doing it together. By himself he can't get much but together we could get something a bit better.
I want to settle down without settling. Which sometimes I feel like I've done. But I'll never be happy with a guy that is better looking than me in the long run. Unless I was in absolute love and it was so very evident they were too. I can't wait for that though. I have found someone that is pretty good looking, I like them and they like me, we are great together in the sack, we have similiar interests and I think I really love them. Although it bugs me that I'm not 100% sure that I am. It wasn't head over heels kind of thing. It has been somewhere betweeen infatuation and a slow long steady love that time builds into a fortress. Did I mention the sex is great!
Every relationship has a different flavor but this has been a really awesome and strange trip. While my nags seem to be busy at work, deep down inside something feels right. I'm worried I'm going to fuck it up by worrying, avoiding, or my need for new and exciting territory.

yet again....

Well, I got unexpectedly busy last summer. I also seemed to journal more directly to my computer instead of blogging. Downside: when computer is stolen so is your work. Most of it was a book I was attempting to write so I couldn't do that in a blog. Someone suggested a private wiki. I will have to look more into that.
I think that journaling is good for the soul. The nice thing about blogging is that one can be as anonymous or known to one's own choosing.
So that's that and a bucket of slugs :)