Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The real work of love and life...

I've been feeling fustrated lately. I finally have some ideas of what I want to do but I have no money nor time to do it. It doesn't involve schooling. I've already wasted too much money with that. I really can't afford to take out more loans unless I'm really going for something. Which I still flirt with being a HS teacher. Salaried, benefits, and lots of time off :) I'm mostly sick of school myself and the thought of dealing with parents and administration knots my stomach. I don't think I could get a grant or anything like that. I haven't found a rich man to take care of me. I did manage to fall for a divorcee who is paying child support for two kids and is barely making by for himself. Even my ex-husband had a bit of extra so I didn't have to pay bills...just needed to work for spending money.

After all these years of wanting to be independent and forward thinking and modern it turns out I'm old fashioned in the end. I want to be taken care of. Well not for always a and I'm still independent and forward thinking. I just like the idea of being a housefrau who can devote herself to home, artistic pursuits, and philanthropy. I want my cake and eat it too. Well other rich women get this. I'm not exactly eye candy anymore. Not that I ever was model level or anything like that. I am getting older: extra weight, wrinkles, age spots!

I just can't help feeling like I'm settling. For this life. With the guy I have. I always wanted to travel and create for a living. Maybe I can still do that. I just have to wait a bit.

The crazy thing is that I really do want to settle down. I want travel too. But I need a home base. I need a creative space that I can call home. Even if I end up renting for 5 years at the same address it will be better than it has been. My best memories of recent were at the place I was at for 2 and 1/2 years. I wish I had utilized them better. I could afford to work part time there. I had so much freedom. Lots of time but little money. I did travel a bit with school loans and birthday gifts. I was in an open relationship but I minimally utilized it. I think I did get scaried when I fell for this one young Adonis. I passed other hot viable options because I believed in a person and the life we were building. I limited myself in other ways because I thought I had to have things perfect. Yet I learned to go with the flow at that house. We had various hippies and artists. It would of been a great time to let myself be young and free. I had somehow aged too much by my mid 20's. I was the responsible one in the house...a bit of a den mother of sorts. Also I was still having trouble with my anxiety and depression. I would get agoriphobic at times...not wanting to leave my bedroom....my space. I also could not do too many drugs because they seemed to make my anxiety worse. I couldn't drink much because the meds I was on interacted with it weirdly. Despite all this I had created a home. I have fond memories of when I did allow myself to be more sociable. That relationship has since returned to just a friendship and now I'm in something totally different.


I'm looking right now for a place for me and him to call home. He is thinking of buying a place next year but I think I'm going to try to talk him into waiting another year (espcially if we find a good place now). So we can save money and be more sure of doing it together. By himself he can't get much but together we could get something a bit better.
I want to settle down without settling. Which sometimes I feel like I've done. But I'll never be happy with a guy that is better looking than me in the long run. Unless I was in absolute love and it was so very evident they were too. I can't wait for that though. I have found someone that is pretty good looking, I like them and they like me, we are great together in the sack, we have similiar interests and I think I really love them. Although it bugs me that I'm not 100% sure that I am. It wasn't head over heels kind of thing. It has been somewhere betweeen infatuation and a slow long steady love that time builds into a fortress. Did I mention the sex is great!
Every relationship has a different flavor but this has been a really awesome and strange trip. While my nags seem to be busy at work, deep down inside something feels right. I'm worried I'm going to fuck it up by worrying, avoiding, or my need for new and exciting territory.

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