Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fear and a Life Well Organized

Too busy to write?  That should never be an excuse. Yet why do I use it all the time.  Priorities are a hard thing for me to handle. In general I'm a very organized person when it comes to my physical space (although sometimes it takes me a bit to organize a new space) but I am horrible at organizing my personal life and my time.  Taking the time to sit down and write things out is an accomplishment in and of itself. Even if I do get this far the follow through seems to be the main problem. I know that I have to gain/regain good habits, much like what I do with my physical organization. So why haven't I just dug in and got to it? 

Well I have a bit that is. The tangle I keep encountering is the whole laid back versus anal retentive approach to life. Both in extremes are not productive in life and can contribute to depression and other mental issues. Like all things in life finding balance in this area is the important thing. Unfortunately I'm not that great at balance. I'm good at extremes. Excessively talkative or withdrawn. I'll eat hardly anything or 'clean out the cupboard'. I have been learning balance yet when it comes to the basic approach to life I get stuck. This one area is such a huge part of my life and the only reason it vexes me is fear.

Fear is something that all of us that have mental problems know quite well. Even if I'm doing alright will X pop back up? Will they understand what X does to me? Will X get in the way of a job or relationship?  Fear prevents us from getting out and doing the things that we need to make up feel better. This is especially true of those of us with depression. In fact fear is what rules our lives and prevents us from taking the steps to better mental hygiene. What do I have to fear with this approach to life stuff though? As I said before I tend to do things in extremes. From past experiences I have learned to not trust myself.  We depressed people have trust issues. Fear and a lack of trust go hand in hand. It may be just a few things or almost everything but we fear because we can't trust and we can't trust because we fear. This is just another cycle within the large one of a depressed person's life. My goal the next few months is to work out how to break a lot of these cycles and to start to find balance in how I approach life in general. Every day I will journal, even if just a paragraph.