Thursday, September 3, 2009

Combining Households: A Hairaising Adventure

So I've been moving into my boyfriend's place. The original plan was to get a new place together which would of been still stressful but in a different way for the most part. Well he talked me into moving into his place. It's tough because I still feel like I'm invading his space and I think he feels that way as well. He has his daughters over for the long weekend. It's just making the stress worse. On top of it all he is stressed because he may be loosing his job and even if he wasn't he has to quit soon because they are reducing his pay and treating him like shit. So he is also trying to start his own business and look for another job. I'm laid off and all that other shit.

So tonight the shit hits the fan. On top of all these stressers I don't take my medicine today until late, yesterday I didn't have it at all and the day before I had half the dose...actually a quarter of the new dose. Then I decide to have a beer. Then he decides to be an ass. I take my meds and hole myself away until the beer wears off. Once this happens I decide we should talk but I wait a bit to make sure I'm more calm...then he comes in the room so I pause my show. We talk but he is just being more of an ass. So I ask who is sleeping on the couch tonight and storm out semi quietly so I can get some space to calm down. For the sake of his kids I did not tear into him like I wanted to.

I've cried twice tonight and one time I was not intoxicated. That is a big deal for me...let me correct that...a huge deal. The crying not the not being intoxicated. Actually I hardly ever drink these days. I'm sad, confused, pissed off, worried and generally just looking back at my life trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. Is this pattern saying something about me or about the men I choose. Which I guess is saying something about me, too. Possibly a bit of both. I would like to think that I learn from my mistakes. But I guess I'm not. I move in with men way too soon. There is always a reason and it is always financial. Tommy was the only exception of moving in together as a disaster...except the second time around. Yet the first time we did it was ok. It was a bit rough at first but after we got past that and figured things out we did all right. I knew Tommy since High School. He is pretty much "What you see is what you get." I loved that about him. There was things I didn't like about him and a few minor surprises but there wasn't this big change from dating Tommy to living together Tommy.

On the other hand others have. Kyle started to show his truer colours about 2 months ago. Some things before that and some after. Also I think I started to put 2 and 2 together better. I didn't have all the pieces and I still don't. I've had these warning bells for awhile now. I haven't known if it was for a good reason or me getting paranoid. I still don't. We are both really stressed.

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